The Fear Factor by Rev. Kaitlyn Bowie
I read something the other day that helped me understand the fears I am bound by. It helped me realize that I don’t actually want to be bound by the fears I have. It holds me back. Slows me down. Keeps me stagnant.
In his new book How to Be Here, Rob Bell writes about the adventure of figuring out what you’re meant to do on this planet. It’s a collection of his thoughts about creating x. (Xrepresenting whatever creative work you are made to do.) In the chapter entitled Surrender he writes, “We surrender the outcomes because we cannot control how people are going to respond to us and our work in the world.” While this seems like a simple enough sentence, it brought to light so much of what keeps me bound.
I am a pastor, sometimes reluctantly, but this is what I know I am called to do, who I am called to be, in this world. And yet the work of pastor is so much more creative and artistic than I ever imagined. I expected it to be a clear role with a clear job description and a clear objective. I almost expected the work to be scientific in its clarity. And yet I find that I am continually put into roles that require creativity, originality, innovation.
And here’s the struggle for me–I’m terrified of being judged for the creative work I produce. I always have been. I was one of those kids in elementary school who hid her artwork immediately following art class. I was never dubbed the “artistic” kid, and therefore thought that anything I had produced or created from my imagination should be hidden, kept to myself, shielded from the world. I have continued to live with this fear that anything I create is not worthy of the eyes of people with real taste.
Most of my life this has worked out just fine. I have spent most of my life in school–I went from high school to college, taught for a few years, then went back to grad school. From student to teacher to student–each role had great clarity. I accomplished what I needed to; filled each assignment, graded each math test, wrote each paper. Most of this work was between my teacher and me, or my students and me. They were clearly defined relationships with explicit boundaries. I was never required to answer to the masses for the work I was producing. I only did what I needed to do within each context, and it was all clearly defined.
So here’s the predicament I find myself in–I am now, for the first time in my life, in a role with more room for creativity than I’ve ever known. And not only is there room for it, but it’s necessary. I get to create the structure, the schedule, the plan. Somehow I feel that if I don’t create x perfectly my community won’t become what it’s supposed to, or worship will fall flat, or the church will crumble. (There are much more elaborate failure scenarios that play out in my mind, but I’ll spare you from them for the time being.) I obsess about how people will react to the plan I create or the sermon I write. I wonder if all that I offer will be enough.
But I guess here’s the truth: what I create won’t be enough. The sermon won’t be the best production on the planet. The community event probably won’t rock someone’s world. The one-on-one pastoral counseling session probably won’t change someone’s life. Someone will probably be dissatisfied with what I’ve attempted to offer. But these are the pieces of the mosaic I’ve been called to offer to this art project known as Life. So if I offer the pieces I’ve been equipped to create, and you offer the pieces you’ve been called to, and so on, we end up with a masterpiece no one could fathom on their own.
Therefore, choosing fear doesn’t just limit us, stunt us, hold us back as individuals. No! The consequence of fear is much worse! It robs the entire community of the potential masterpiece. It steals something extraordinary from everyone. Maybe this is what Saint Paul had in mind when he wrote, “If one part [of the body of Christ] suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.” If you don’t offer your part we will all suffer, BUT if you offer your part we all get to celebrate in its beauty! We are in this together. No matter who you are, we are connected. The creative project I have to offer the world in the form of sermons, conversations, and intentional relationships, will be incomplete without your business plan, song, law-brief, etc.
So what is fear holding you back from? What do you feel called to create but you fear the judgement or evaluation that might come back as response? Take a risk and do it anyway, because this mosaic won’t be the same without your colorful pieces…
Photo taken in Valladolid, Mexico. This is a fountain-tableau created by a group of artisans and artists at Xcaret park’s workshops over the course of two years. This is Our Lady of Candelaria, Patron Saint of the city of Valladolid.
This post was borrowed with permission from https://pastorkait.wordpress.com/2016/04/14/the-fear-factor/ where more of Kaitlyn's writing can be found!