With a little help from "Friends Like These"

In February Ana Marie Cox started a new podcast on the Crooked Media network entitled, "With Friends Like These." Ostensibly, the podcast is a mechanism to steer into awkward conversations. Ana and her guests confront the topics we all would rather avoid but really should be discussing. The podcast is nuanced, insightful, and generally wonderful, but even as a fan the latest episode floored me. 

On May 5th, Cox was joined by John Moe of "The Hilarious World of Depression" podcast for a transparent discussion on depression, suicide, and mental health. In this episode, entitled "The Help is Coming from Inside of the House", Ana and John go into detail about their histories with addiction and suicide. It's a very personal episode and one that might feel awkward if you are new to these kinds of open discussions. Going into this specific episode I was unfamiliar with John Moe, and only knew of Ana Marie Cox from "Friends Like These" and her association with MTV News. After listening, I feel like I share many experiences and stories with both of them. They are truly open with their testimonies, and there is nothing else for me to do but thank them for sharing with us. 

I don't think it does any good for me to summarize the episode here, so instead I highly recommend listening. If you have dealt with or are currently dealing with depression, it's uplifting to hear people who have been in your shoes talk so honestly. And if you know someone who is struggling right now, the episode is full of thoughtful tips that can help you reach out. You can find the podcast here or anywhere else podcasts are carried!

Ana Marie Cox showing of the tattoo which symbolizes her survival. 

Credit: https://joshkatzowitz.com/tag/ana-marie-cox/

As the episode played I dove deeper into Cox's catalog of writing and found this article from 2015 entitled Why I Am Coming Out as Christian. It made me appreciate her story even more. Struggling with depression and mental health issues as a Christian can feel isolating and defeating. Are you doing something wrong? Does God hate you or forgive you? Will other people ever actually accept you? All of the negative self-talk that comes with depression can only intensify under the weight of Christianity if you let it. But Cox summarizes her approach so well in her article when she says, "I try, every day, to give my will and my life over to God. I try to be like Christ. I get down on my knees and pray." It's that simple approach that allows her to focus on God and His grace while moving on from the darkness.

This morning as I read that quote, I couldn't help but get on my own knees and cry. Praying to God and thanking Him for loving me through my own journey with depression. As I emerged from the "void" and dealt with the death of my own brother, I found myself in a similar place to Ana. I would never have survived if it weren't for people I love showing me unending grace. So I told God there wouldn't be another day where I didn't try to be like Christ. That is the thought that gets me through the hard days now. That is what centers me when I feel like I hate myself or want to escape from the world. But that understanding didn't come easily. I fought to get there through the lowest of lows. And like the selfish person I tend to be I fought all by myself. If you are feeling low today -struggling with mental health or suicidal ideation- please know that you do not fight alone and that you are loved . By me (even though we may have never met) and by others. There are people out there willing to walk a path with you even though you think you're all alone. I'm a testament to that, my family is a testament to that, and so are Ana and John. 

If you are in need of immediate help call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-TALK. Be well. You are loved.

Hamilton: More Than I Bargained For

In order for this next article to make sense I need to get two things off my chest. (Sorry in advance mom.) 

Confession #1: In high school I would have my friends burn me copies of rap CD's so I could sneak them into my house disguised as mixtapes. I would stay up late most nights and listen, ear pressed to the speaker, with the volume on my boombox as low as I thought was safe. This was the way that I discovered artists like Kanye, Jay-Z, and Outkast and developed a passion for rap music. Since those days hip hop has been my favorite musical genre. I've used it to travel backwards in time and understand the state of the world in decades past. Its been something that I studied with every waking moment, musically and sociologically. I've spent countless nights alone listening to beats, memorizing lines from my favorites MC's, and falling in love with the poetry and story telling that the best of the genre has to offer. 

Confession #2: I've dealt with self-esteem and self-image issues my entire life. It's something I've always struggled with and probably always will. As someone with mixed-race heritage I've never truly felt like I belonged to any one social group. It's hard not to feel self conscious when, in some settings, I'm one of the darkest people in a room. Yet, there are other times where I don't feel like enough of a minority to relate to those who feel victimized or disenfranchised.

Over the Summer I headed north for what would be one of the most exciting experiences of my life. It was my wife's first trip to News York City, so there was much to enjoy. Food to eat, sites to see, and old friends to catch up with. Yet, Hamilton was the focus of the trip. The spellbinding musical was at the peak of it's power and New York was buzzing with discussions centering on the show. So, on the evening of June 9th, Kaitlyn and I joined others in shuffling into the Richard Rogers Theater to witness the magic. And just like the world, I will never be the same after having experienced it.

Months earlier, I convinced myself to pull the trigger and buy tickets to Hamilton: An American Musical. I had first fallen in love with Hamilton several months prior based on the recommendation of a friend. He believed this new musical creation, which utilized rap and hip hop to tell the story of founding father Alexander Hamilton, would be right up my alley. He couldn't have been more right. Listening to the language of my favorite musical genre tell the story of the old, white men who created our country blew my mind. The technical skill displayed in the rapping and the scope of the story being told was something that had simply never been done before, on or off Broadway. I was instantly in love and knew I had to go to New York to experience it first hand.

Around the same time that I was introduced to the Hamilton soundtrack I began to partner with an organization that works to provide positive relationships to at-risk or gang affiliated youth in Houston. Over coffee one of the leaders of this organization, a mentor of mine, told me a story I will never forget. A graduate of the program, a Hispanic young man who had escaped so much and had such potential, had recently committed suicide. Years earlier he had asked my mentor, "Who do us Mexican kids have to look up to? Who shows us how to do it right?". It seems he never found an answer to the question. 

When you grow up as a minority, it's hard not to notice that most of the famous, creative minds in America don't look like you. It's not an oblique form of racism but it's always there, a cloud waiting to rain on you if you acknowledge that it exists. That's what has always made rap music so special. It's a form of music where a person of color can AT LEAST feel welcomed...comfortable...sheltered from the rain. So, as Hamilton opened that night on Broadway I was fully expecting to be blown away by the music of the show. Entertained in a way that only a transcendent musical can achieve. 

What I wasn't expecting though, was for a lifetime of memories and feelings to explode in my mind like fireworks lighting up the theater.  As I watched the stage fill with the diverse cast, I couldn't help but be overcome by emotions. My mind raced to that young man in Houston, who had taken his own life only a few months prior. What would he have thought if he had seen men and women who look just like him owning a Broadway stage? Would he have felt empowered to push forward just one more day? Had anyone ever made him believe he could achieve his dreams in the way this show could have? I thought of every time I felt like I didn't belong and how, in that moment, I couldn't think of anywhere I had ever belonged more.

By the end of the show I knew I had experienced something akin to a miracle. There are moments in life when you know you've witnessed a creation that will forever shape the world. There are experiences in life that change you, after which you know you'll never be the same. Those moments are rare and should be cherished. This was one for me. "Who do Mexican kids have to look up to? Who shows us how to do it right?". I think about those questions every day now. Almost every hour. My prayer is that one day I can be an example and answer those questions for a young man or woman. In the meantime, I thank God that Hamilton and it's creator, Lin-Manuel Miranda, exist. Because they are the best answer I've ever seen. 

 

All Things New

Things are undergoing a slight change here at ONE THIRTY NINE.

If you can't tell it's been a while since anything was written on the site. This hiatus was partly a product of circumstance. But mostly it was self imposed. The circumstance is that Kaitlyn and I just bought a house and that is a big, capital "L" Life thing that took up lots of time. It was self imposed in that I felt totally lost anytime I even tried to think about writing words on a page. Why that is I don't totally know but I think it had something to do with internal pressure, a limited scope, and internal pressure to meet a limited scope.

Luckily, I'm done with all that noise. Instead, I've decided to just write about all the things that I love. And if you ask anyone who knows me - that's plenty of stuff to base a website around. Most of my life fits into four main themes "Faith", "Music", "Entertainment", and "Culture". So, moving forward I'll tag each article with the relevant categories. If you're interested in a topic then stick around and give it a read. If one of the categories doesn't excite you as much I totally understand. Maybe the next one will! 

I'm excited about injecting some new life into ONE THIRTY NINE. Let's have fun with it.

-TRH

In/Fallible

In the year 2000 I was 11 years old. Like many kids around that age I was just beginning to evolve into an avid sports fan. The loyalties formed at that time are indelibly imprinted on me, probably impacting me more than I would have thought possible. I carry my family traditions in this regard with pride - my father went to the University of Tennessee so I grew up seeing the world through orange tinted glasses. I also grew up watching the San Antonio Spurs with my grandma and still cry with every championship, because I know she would have been so happy for her Spurs. In fact, I cared so much about these athletic endeavors that it became my way of life for many years...and almost became a career. 

But for 11-year-old-me it went beyond just team loyalties. That year is significant is because many figures who would appear on the "Mt. Rushmore of Athletes" for my generation had finally started their professional careers. Peyton Manning was the quarterback for my favorite college team, so I followed his teams incessantly. Tim Duncan is my favorite basketball player on my favorite professional sports team. Kobe Bryant was the greatest on-court antagonist to live during my generation so I have long engaged in debates about his legacy, and Tiger Woods was blossoming into not only my favorite athlete ever, but the most dominant athlete of my lifetime.

As a young man, it was so easy to look at these stars and be inspired by their athletic prowess. But it was also easy to turn them into symbols with meaning beyond their success on the field. To see not only how a tireless work ethic could turn you into a champion, but also how to build a model life with perfection on all fronts. When you revere something as much as I did these athletes, it's only natural to place too much importance on it. 

But in their own ways each of these men has done something to affect the way they are seen by the world. Whether its as silly and forgettable as Peyton Manning mooning someone in college or the more egregious errors of Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant. Now, almost 20 years later, (after countless celebrations, heartbreaks, and a few too many scandals) my Mt. Rushmore figures are retiring. It's honestly a bit funny to look back over the years and see how I associate the seasons of my life with what each of them were doing at the time (high school graduation=Spurs 4th championship!). They gave me many powerful, practical lessons: How to build a team and work in total sync with one another. The importance of pouring yourself into passions. Practice makes perfect. Be respectful....the list goes on. Now though, as I reckon with all their retirements, I'm most grateful for a lesson I never expected to learn from a bunch of athletes. I never expected them to teach me that the instant you expect people, famous or not, to be anything other than people you set yourself up for failure. 

Tiger taught me this lesson in the most explosive way possible. You all know the story, I'm sure, but go read this incredible profile on Tiger Woods written by Wright Thompson anyways. (Preferably after you finish this article please and thank you...). In 2009, when all of Tiger's infidelities and brokenness emerged I was hurt by someone I had never even met. I had decided that Tiger Woods should live up to some standard I set for him in my head, and he let me down.  Still though, I feel like I learned something during this odd season of scandal. Some people dropped Tiger Woods like a sack of bricks and haven't looked back at him since because they see him as something disgusting or broken. Instead, I learned to appreciate him for what he actually is. An incredible athlete who is very good at the game of golf and happens to be a fallible person. I learned to forgive Tiger for his faults and appreciate him for his immense strengths. 

People make mistakes. People screw things up. People don't respond to situations the way you think they should, and they don't behave behind closed doors just like you thought they would. In other words, no one is perfect. It's funny how simple that is to say, but in our reaction to celebrity scandal, how often do we simply ignore the fact that these are real people who screwed up real situations. Just like we do, every day. 

What if we truly applied this lesson in our every day lives as well? Instead of finding ourselves disappointed because a dear friend doesn't respond to a situation the way we thought they should or upset that Frank from Accounting messed up some important work, let's remember that we so often create unrealistic expectations in our minds. Let's remember that everyone around us deserves the opportunity to experience the ups and downs of life. And that its OK to still respect and appreciate someone's talents even if you think they have some growing to do as a person (I'm looking at you Kanye). I hope that if we keep that in mind as we go through life, we will find ourselves more accepting and loving towards everyone around us. If we ever forget, all we will have to do is look to the record books and remember the important lessons we learned watching some of the greatest icons of a generation.

The Fear Factor by Rev. Kaitlyn Bowie

I read something the other day that helped me understand the fears I am bound by.  It helped me realize that I don’t actually want to be bound by the fears I have.  It holds me back.  Slows me down.  Keeps me stagnant.

In his new book How to Be Here, Rob Bell writes about the adventure of figuring out what you’re meant to do on this planet.  It’s a collection of his thoughts about creating x.  (Xrepresenting whatever creative work you are made to do.)  In the chapter entitled Surrender he writes, “We surrender the outcomes because we cannot control how people are going to respond to us and our work in the world.”  While this seems like a simple enough sentence, it brought to light so much of what keeps me bound.

I am a pastor, sometimes reluctantly, but this is what I know I am called to do, who I am called to be, in this world.  And yet the work of pastor is so much more creative and artistic than I ever imagined.  I expected it to be a clear role with a clear job description and a clear objective.  I almost expected the work to be scientific in its clarity.  And yet I find that I am continually put into roles that require creativity, originality, innovation.

And here’s the struggle for me–I’m terrified of being judged for the creative work I produce.  I always have been.  I was one of those kids in elementary school who hid her artwork immediately following art class.  I was never dubbed the “artistic” kid, and therefore thought that anything I had produced or created from my imagination should be hidden, kept to myself, shielded from the world.  I have continued to live with this fear that anything I create is not worthy of the eyes of people with real taste.

Most of my life this has worked out just fine.  I have spent most of my life in school–I went from high school to college, taught for a few years, then went back to grad school.  From student to teacher to student–each role had great clarity.  I accomplished what I needed to; filled each assignment, graded each math test, wrote each paper.  Most of this work was between my teacher and me, or my students and me.  They were clearly defined relationships with explicit boundaries.  I was never required to answer to the masses for the work I was producing.  I only did what I needed to do within each context, and it was all clearly defined.

So here’s the predicament I find myself in–I am now, for the first time in my life, in a role with more room for creativity than I’ve ever known.  And not only is there room for it, but it’s necessary.  I get to create the structure, the schedule, the plan.  Somehow I feel that if I don’t create x perfectly my community won’t become what it’s supposed to, or worship will fall flat, or the church will crumble.  (There are much more elaborate failure scenarios that play out in my mind, but I’ll spare you from them for the time being.)  I obsess about how people will react to the plan I create or the sermon I write.  I wonder if all that I offer will be enough.

But I guess here’s the truth: what I create won’t be enough.  The sermon won’t be the best production on the planet.  The community event probably won’t rock someone’s world.  The one-on-one pastoral counseling session probably won’t change someone’s life.  Someone will probably be dissatisfied with what I’ve attempted to offer.  But these are the pieces of the mosaic I’ve been called to offer to this art project known as Life.  So if I offer the pieces I’ve been equipped to create, and you offer the pieces you’ve been called to, and so on, we end up with a masterpiece no one could fathom on their own.

Therefore, choosing fear doesn’t just limit us, stunt us, hold us back as individuals.  No!  The consequence of fear is much worse!  It robs the entire community of the potential masterpiece.  It steals something extraordinary from everyone.  Maybe this is what Saint Paul had in mind when he wrote, “If one part [of the body of Christ] suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.”  If you don’t offer your part we will all suffer, BUT if you offer your part we all get to celebrate in its beauty!  We are in this together.  No matter who you are, we are connected.  The creative project I have to offer the world in the form of sermons, conversations, and intentional relationships, will be incomplete without your business plan, song, law-brief, etc.

So what is fear holding you back from?  What do you feel called to create but you fear the judgement or evaluation that might come back as response?   Take a risk and do it anyway, because this mosaic won’t be the same without your colorful pieces…

 

Photo taken in Valladolid, Mexico.  This is a fountain-tableau created by a group of artisans and artists at Xcaret park’s workshops over the course of two years.  This is Our Lady of Candelaria, Patron Saint of the city of Valladolid.

This post was borrowed with permission from https://pastorkait.wordpress.com/2016/04/14/the-fear-factor/ where more of Kaitlyn's writing can be found!

Fearfully, Wonderfully

On one of our first dates Kaitlyn and I went to see an author deliver a talk at a local college. He spoke enthusiastically about the link between spirituality and science; the undeniable divinity of the world around us. Throughout the talk he illustrated his thoughts using a simple tool in an interesting way: a plain whiteboard in the shape of an isosceles triangle, laid on its side. As the talk progressed this whiteboard was used as a timeline to embody not only the ever expanding universe but also the ever expanding creativity of the divine.

H/T to Rob Bell for being way more creative than I could ever imagine

The corner of a triangle is such a simple, beautiful representation of the Big Bang. In an instant everything expands. What was once focused in a single point expands outwards, with no discernible end in sight. Just as it is with our universe. Just as it is with God.  

The idea that the moment of creation has divine inspiration makes it no less scientifically wondrous. And accepting that our universe is scientifically complex and unknowable doesn't disprove the concept of a creative God. These two statements shouldn't be at odds with one another; instead, they should enhance.  Each thought makes the complexities of the other all the more beautiful. 

Get this - every single atom (except Hydrogen, I know I know) in your body was made in the center of a star. You parents weren't lying after all! You ARE a star! Really, it's true. Super smart scientists did some science and figured it out.

How cool is that? Hundreds of billions of years ago events were set in motion which led to YOU. Ponder that over your coffee this morning, and try not to feel overcome with awe. Doesn't it feel like, when we face the inspiring nature of the universe, its sometimes too much to even fathom?

The writer of Psalm 139 illustrates for us how it feels to realize that you are wonderfully made by God. How great is it then, to realize that ALL wonderful things are made by God? The tiniest grain of sand and the supernova expanding in space at this very moment are equally miraculous. The function of the heart - both anatomically and figuratively - should strike us with awe. Without its life-giving beat none of us would be here, but wouldn't we just as likely diminish into nothing without the heart's more sentimental, metaphorical purpose? The simple fact that we are able to experience Life and Love is proof that the universe is a great place. We feel that greatness every time we look in the eyes of loved ones, pet a puppy, reach that goal, or find ourselves speechless at the beauty of nature.

Psalm 139 is my favorite verse because it is both deeply personal and endlessly vast. Just like the triangle which represented all that is known and unknown about the universe during the lecture. In fact...if you combine the imagery of the triangle and Psalm 139 I think you end up with a portrait that expresses just about every aspect of our universe.

Isn't that wonderful?

 Everything that ever confused you about the opposite sex AND science class is contained in this one picture. 

At ONE THIRTY NINE I will strive to capture both the intimate and the elusive. You might not agree with every word, but I hope to grow and deepen the way we all (myself included) see our world. I hope we take an appreciation for nuance out into our lives and see that sometimes the world isn't as black or white as we let it become. In those shades of grey we can remember that whoever we come across in life has been fearfully and wonderfully made. When someone is created with that much beauty they are always deserving of our compassion. And compassion is truly the heart of life, but we will get more into that later.